The world on your shoulders
by Julie Ann Pope
Summary: Inspired by the Spring Trailer; how does Bernie and Alex's reunion go?
There was a sharp knock on the door of the large, detached house and Marcus was quick to make sure Bernie didn't get up to answer it. Not that she would have done anyway; besides her affliction, she'd barely spent any time in this particular house, so didn't have quite that same instinct to go and see who was at the door. She got up slowly and carefully with the aid of her walking stick and looked out of the window onto the drive anyway; she was nothing if not curious!

Once she'd realised that it was an army jeep parked up at her house, she hobbled as quickly as she could to the door to oversee her delivery. A bergen and kit bag had already been dumped in the hallway and Marcus was just saying his farewells to the officers who had brought them as they turned the jeep around to leave the premises.

"Are those mine? Was there a message?" Bernie hated not being in control of her own life, especially when it meant that Marcus had automatically started to do some of the routine, day to day things for her. She suspected he enjoyed taking care of her, like she was the 'little wife at home' that she'd never really been for him throughout their marriage. Although practically helpful whilst she was convalescing, she only really found it stifling and, at times, frankly condescending. Especially as he'd taken time off work to be around, 'just in case' she got herself into difficulties and had been pretty much constantly by her side since she'd arrived home with him a week ago.

"No message, just said they'd been told to drop them off here and that you were expecting them. Come on now, you've not long been out of surgery, they're probably leaving you to recuperate just as you ought to be doing. Why don't you go back into the sitting room? I'll make you a cup of tea and unpack these for you." He'd ever so slightly begun to steer her back from whence she'd come by the tops of her shoulders.

"No, don't!" The sharpness of Bernie's tone surprised Marcus as well as the fact that she'd physically shrugged him off her. She could be blunt and to the point on occasion but that was a reaction he'd not witnessed before. He was sorely tempted to point out that she was physically incapable of lifting the two heavy bags into the annexe but even he wasn't so dense to work out that now was not the time.

Eventually Bernie swallowed her pride, apologised and asked Marcus to put the bags in her room. _Major Wolfe_ was well used to lower ranks getting involved in some of the grunt work, but when it came to her army life and home life merging, Bernie was fiercely possessive and protective of her privacy. Marcus understood that his wife was frustrated by her physical condition, even sort of understood the internal frustration at not being able to go back into the field but he really didn't understand the depth of her emotional trauma. He couldn't really as he only had half the story and Bernie was keen to keep it that way. There were some things he should probably never know. Not now anyway.

Bernie painstakingly unpacked her belongings. Her personal possessions like photographs, diaries and her own medical equipment had been packaged up carefully in the kit bag. All her clothes had been washed and neatly folded in the bergen, as though someone had taken great care over packing them up for her. Even her delicates had been separated into a bag of their own and a small flush of embarrassment went through her at the thought of someone having done this on her behalf, even though she had been expecting it. Wedged into the small bag was a crumpled up piece of paper which Bernie was all set to throw into the wastepaper basket when something stopped her from doing so. She smoothed out the piece of paper and froze. ' _I'm sorry. Forgive me. A xxx_ ' was written on it in very familiar handwriting.

Bernie suddenly felt winded and sat heavily on her bed as she clutched the piece of paper to her chest. Tears flowed spontaneously and ran like a torrent down her cheeks. She tried to keep her sobbing quiet, lest Marcus hear her distress. She'd been happy, really happy; how had it all gone so horribly wrong?

* * *

"What the hell are you doing here?" There was more surprise than anger in her voice but the shock of seeing her lover in this setting had prompted the slightly harsh reaction. This had been her safe space; somewhere she could show off some surgical skill with ease and pretend that her personal life was fine, well uncomplicated at least. Because people generally understood marital difficulties these days, particularly in the context of the pressures of work, Bernie could mask other reasons for her strained marriage behind that.

"I… uhh…" So many reasons, so little time to explain, but Alex thought she'd get the less complicated one out of the way first. "Mum's been ill, I've taken some leave to sort out her care and get her into a hospice." Alex's mouth had gone strangely dry, seeing Bernie again and being unsure and awkward around her wasn't natural. She so badly wanted to hold her, just so that she knew she was real and alive and undamaged.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." That wasn't what Bernie had been expecting to hear and she realised how trite her response had been after she'd said it.

"Don't be, she's in the best place now. I'll admit that I used this as an opportunity to come and find you." Alex paused briefly to compose herself but the tears in her voice were still evident. "I miss you." The younger woman's face looked so forlorn Bernie's heart clenched in pain but she quickly recovered when she realised where she was and that she'd let her emotions get the better of her.

"Yes, well. We both know whose fault that was?" She was alluding to the phone call that essentially ended their relationship a few weeks back.

"I didn't expect you to quit and come back here permanently though!"

"Then what _did_ you expect? That we'd carry on working side by side as normal? That we could turn the clock back like the last two years had never happened? It doesn't work like that you know." There was her anger now, although it was really just the heartache emerging from its deeply hidden place. Because she'd had to hide just how devastated she'd been at losing Alex in all of this.

"I know that, I do. I just…. I nearly lost you for god's sake! I thought that if I, and I know that this is going to sound mad but, I thought that if I shut you out... it wouldn't hurt so much. I'd stop waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking you were dead. And I was wrong; so very, very wrong." That wasn't even the half of it but Bernie knew her well enough to have some idea of what she hadn't said.

"You always knew that was married, that I have a family here. Now I've got myself a job here and I'm trying to make it work. It was... a mistake… us." At Alex's heartbroken look Bernie changed her mind "I don't mean mistake, never a mistake, I just... It's not really me, this…" Bernie made a gesture with her hand as if to indicate whatever was, _had been_ , between them. "...on a long term, permanent basis." Alex snorted in derision.

"And you think running away to _this_ is more _you_ instead? Tell me one thing, have you slept with him yet?" There was a challenge in the tilt of her chin and by her squared physical stance. Alex was a physically fit woman, she took good care of herself and worked out regularly. Not only did the army demand it of her but there had also been an underlying need to use her bravado as a defence mechanism. To keep people away physically also meant they'd stay away emotionally too, or at least she hoped it did. It hadn't stopped Bernie from penetrating her tough exterior though, just as she'd done in reverse she supposed. However tough she made herself out to be, she couldn't deny the jealous feeling that bubbled away in the pit of her stomach at the mention of Marcus.

"That's _none_ of your business." It was said sharply and defensively, leaving Alex in no doubt of the answer. Unlike Marcus, she wasn't surprised or afraid of Bernie in 'Major Wolfe' mode.

"You haven't have you? Because you can't. Because you understand things about yourself that you didn't before."

"I'm not gay!" And she wasn't, at least she thought not. It was just Alex; with the right chemistry, the right time and place and she felt something that she'd never felt for anyone before. Never this strongly, never so deeply, as though the other woman was somehow an intrinsic part of her.

"You're hardly straight either! Anyway, the label's unimportant. It's about you and me and what _we_ want." Because Alex wasn't leaving the UK without her or at least the promise of her return. She knew that Bernie's heart lay with the army, even if not with her as well.

"There is no us Alex, it's over. It has to be, I have to make this work." Bernie had backed herself into a corner, had chosen a path and felt that she had to stick to it, even if it wasn't what she really wanted. She'd lose face and let too many people down otherwise.

"Why?"

"What can _you_ offer me?" That was a low blow and Bernie knew it, but her main mission was to drive Alex away.

"No, you're right. I can't give you the financial security and lifestyle that you're used to. I can't give you the family life that you have here or the simplicity that having a male partner brings. But I do love you. I'd bring you loyalty, trust, empathy and I promise that you'd never have to feel alone." Alex's impassioned words smashed the last pieces of Bernie's fragile heart and she had to fight to hold onto her composure.

"I think it's best if we leave it here. Try to move on, for both our sakes. Forget about me, you can see that I've settled here, I'm sure you will, with someone else, given time." Alex knew damn well that Bernie hadn't settled back in Holby, she knew that a person could change but not that much! The younger woman reached out to Bernie and caught her left hand in both of her own, almost pleading with her as she held on tighter.

"I know that you're scared, it's out of your comfort zone and a step into the unknown. But we'd be doing it together. Haven't you known me long enough by now? We've done it before, out there in the field. I need you Bernie, frankly it's been shit without you these past few weeks." Bernie extracted her hand carefully from Alex's; she'd already allowed her to hold on for longer than was comfortable but was also reluctant to break that connection at the same time.

"I can't Alex…" Bernie just wanted the younger woman to stop trying to talk her out of her decision and to get the message. She desperately needed to get away so she could let go of the fragile hold she had on herself. Because every second that went by felt excruciatingly painful to bear.

"So that's it then?" Alex's bottom lip quivered and Bernie could see that she was also on the edge of keeping herself together. She couldn't maintain eye contact any longer and went to leave the room.

"I'm sorry." Bernie called out over her shoulder, opened the door and left without a backwards glance.

"Yeah, me too."

* * *

Bernie broke down with as much dignity as she could muster, which wasn't a lot given the circumstances. She just about made it to the ladies before she ran into a stall and dry-heaved several times; her guts a churning, anxious mess which reflected her emotional state perfectly.

"Bernie? Are you alright?" Damn, she hadn't thought to check if there was anyone else in there first. She took a couple of steadying breaths before she responded.

"Yes, I'm fine Serena." It was as close to a childish 'go away' that Bernie could get. The other woman was nowhere near convinced and pressed on.

"If you don't mind me saying, you don't sound fine?" Bernie instinctively wanted to deny everything, bury her head in the sand as she had been doing for the past couple of years. However, she no longer had the energy to keep up the pretence, especially in front of the closest person she had to a friend here, and felt a sense of defeat.

"I'm not." Her voice was muffled behind the tears that had been stuck in her throat. She cleared it as best she could before she continued. "Are we alone?" Serena thought that they were but she looked around her, in the cubicles and at the sinks, just to make sure.

"Yes, for now." Bernie opened the door and sheepishly emerged; her eyes wet, red and blotchy. "My, you look a mess!" Bernie raised her eyebrows up at her sardonically and Serena swiftly moved on. "What's happened?"

"I let her go."

"Who, a patient?" Bernie shook her head.

"Alex." The name prompted some recognition in Serena's memory and it took her a couple of seconds to work out where from.

"The woman you introduced me to earlier? Your friend from the army?" It had been awkward at first, running into Alex in front of everyone and with a patient on the operating table. The younger woman had made it clear they already knew each other so Bernie had been forced to introduce her to the team. It had only been later they'd managed to catch up with each other alone.

"My lover." The silence was deafening and Bernie's heart beat faster with the anticipation of an adverse reaction. "Ex-lover," she clarified. Because that was an important point to note and the reason why she had been so sick with her emotional turmoil moments earlier. Serena's eyebrows raised sky high and a restrained smirk appeared on her face. Not that she found it funny in the slightest but it was one of those nervous-humour type of reactions.

"Wow, okay. You don't do things by halves do you? So what happened, you ended it?" Serena made herself more comfortable by hopping up backwards onto one of the sinks. She shuffled her bum until she'd found the right spot and refocused her attention on her colleague.

"I had to, it's an impossible situation."

"Because of your husband?"

"In part." Bernie knew deep down it was more to do with her own fears, of falling and failing and then losing everything. Her heart knew that Alex was the right choice, there was absolutely no doubt there. However, her logical brain kept throwing obstacles in her path along with all the reasons it couldn't work between them. It was different to field medicine; you had to do something, anything, otherwise someone would die. This wasn't a life or death situation, no matter how much it hurt to let Alex go.

"Are you in love with her?" Serena asked in all seriousness. Bernie looked Serena in the eye and nodded her head. "And is she in love with you?" Bernie confirmed with a nod of her head once again. "And you're not in love with your husband?" Bernie chuckled sarcastically and shook her head. "Then I don't see what the problem is? You're hardly the first and won't be the last woman to leave her husband for another woman."

"There's a bit more to it than that."

"I don't doubt it but those are the fundamental points. Anything else can be worked through in time. Where is she now?"

"Still here I think. I'm sure she said her shift ends in…" Bernie checked the watch on her wrist to double check, she'd seemingly lost track of time since coming out of surgery earlier that afternoon. "...about twenty minutes."

"Then go! Find her, tell her you've changed your mind and want to start again. Life's just too bloody short Bernie, grab happiness when you can. Who knows when or if you'll get another chance?" Bernie's heart began to race; maybe, just maybe Serena was right.

"Really? You think so?" With Serena's words came the third party approval Bernie had needed to hear. It was like when she had a dying patient in her arms; sometimes all they had needed was permission to close their eyes, reassurance that they'd fought the good fight and that there was no shame in letting death take them into the longest sleep.

"Take it from someone who knows. Now _go_!" A smile lit up Bernie's face, the like of which her colleague and friend had never seen before.

* * *

Bernie walked through to the shift office and discovered she'd miscalculated the time and that Alex had actually been signed off shift 15 minutes earlier. She'd already checked the changing rooms and found that the younger woman wasn't in there. So she followed the route that Alex would most likely have taken out of the hospital, a mild sense of panic bubbling up inside of her at the thought that she was already too late and that she'd missed her.

The panic and despair was compounded when she checked all around the exit and Alex was nowhere to be seen. Bernie jogged around the perimeter of the hospital and still had no luck. A full forty minutes since Alex had knocked off and Bernie knew that it was a lost cause. Her heart clenched in pain and tears pricked at her eyes. She had to get back inside to safety before she made more of a fool of herself than she already had.

She was just about to turn a corner when she spotted a figure sat on the floor of an archway. Laundered bed linen was stacked in plastic bags on tall metal trollies ready to be taken up to the wards via the goods lift. Alex had her knees pulled up in front of her with her feet on the floor. Her forearms rested on her thighs and her hands nervously played with each other in the space between. A sports bag sat by the side of her with her change of clothes in it.

"Alex? What are you doing sat there?" The younger woman looked up at her with the saddest look on her face and Bernie felt terribly guilty that she had been the one to put it there.

"I couldn't bring myself to leave, knowing that you were still inside. I didn't want this to be it, forever." Alex had no idea what she'd been intending to do when she had initially walked out of the building; or what she would have done next, but a few moments alone to think had been at least a start.

"Oh sweetheart!" Alex looked up sharply at the familiar term of endearment and Bernie crouched down beside her. She reached out and placed the palm of her hand against her cheek. "I'm sorry. Forgive me?" Both understood the reference to the note Alex had left in her bergen some weeks back.

"What does that mean?" Alex felt a small bubble of hope flare up within her but she dare not believe it until Bernie had said it out loud.

"It means I'm an idiot and shouldn't have thrown away one of the best things to ever happen to me. There'll always be obstacles we need to navigate, that's just life, but I can't keep using that as an excuse to avoid making difficult choices. And you're not a difficult choice, you never were." Bernie said it reverently as she remembered just how easily she'd fallen in love with Alex in the first place.

"What?" Bernie held out her hand to Alex.

"Get up you daft thing." Alex did as she was told and accepted Bernie's hand in assistance. The older woman caught her around the waist and pulled her in close. "I love you too. We'll find a way to make this work because after the last few weeks I know that my life is pretty bleak without you in it." Alex's arms had automatically wound their way around Bernie's waist in reciprocation and squeezed tighter in response to her words.

"Are you serious?" Bernie nodded and Alex promptly burst into tears.

"Well, that wasn't quite the reaction I'd been expecting!" Alex laughed, cried and hiccupped all at the same time. Once she'd allowed Alex a few moments to calm herself down, Bernie replaced her hand on the younger woman's cheek and guided her closer so that their breaths mingled together. Slowly their lips parted and met in a passionate kiss. Tears fell down Bernie's cheeks and her heart swelled with something she'd been missing for weeks.

* * *

Epilogue

Alex carefully brushed damp tendrils of stray hair away from Bernie's flushed face and continued long after they'd all been tided up. She lay on her left side, body turned in towards her partner's as she half-lay on top of her. Bernie lay flat on her back, her head slightly angled to the right so she could look at Alex. Their legs were entwined together and hidden underneath the warm duvet up to their hips. Bernie used the back of her hand and fingertips to caress Alex's exposed skin; from her neck down to the tops of her shoulders and a well muscled forearm. No words were needed, they'd said everything they had needed to say in their lovemaking and now was the time for quiet reflection.

Bernie was careful to never compare her relationships with men to this one with Alex but she had found that quality post-coital afterplay was one of the biggest differences. She felt that it was just as important as both the foreplay and actual lovemaking itself. It was part of the whole package and was particularly needed in the aftermath of such an emotional coupling.

Alex peppered gentle kisses upon Bernie's face; a delicate peck on her nose, a more solid kiss to her warm pink cheek and the odd brush of lips against lips. Bernie's fingers occasionally brushed the side of Alex's breast and while still touch-sensitive, they'd already been in for rounds two and three (three was a surprise to them both, but no less welcome) however, round four was not an option for either of them. Both were emotionally and physically exhausted, not only from earlier in the day but also as a result of the weeks they had been separated. Alex eventuslly noticed Bernie's movements had ceased and that her eyes had slipped closed for the briefest of seconds. The older woman jolted herself awake and looked sheepishly up at her lover.

"Sorry, s'not the company. Honest." Bernie tiredly grinned at her joke and, as if on cue, a wide yawn interrupted her light dozing.

"Ssh, sleep if you want to. I'll still be here when you wake up." Alex reassured her softly, quietly allowing her to settle herself again.

"Promise?" Bernie sounded vulnerable and needy, a side of Bernie only Alex was allowed to see and she more than understood what a privilege that was. Not to mention how much trust it took the older woman to allow it.

"Of course." There was no point in mentioning that, as this was _her_ mother's house, it was highly unlikely she'd up and leave Bernie in it alone.

"I love you." Alex was fairly sure Bernie had meant it in a deadly serious way, but she only found it cute and heartwarming as her partner was pulled into a steady slumber.

Alex pressed a firm kiss to Bernie's forehead and reached behind her to turn off the bedside lamp.

"I love you too."


End file.
